My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
