i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
