What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
