I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dick very happy bro
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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