I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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