Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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