Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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