I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
