I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
