"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
