I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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