Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
