that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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