Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
