I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
