I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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