It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
