We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
