singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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