brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
