Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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