DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
