so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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