I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
