Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
