I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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