We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
