I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
