my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
