I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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