I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
