Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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