if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
