Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i drank out of a bidet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
