Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
