Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
