He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
