Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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