On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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