yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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