She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
