So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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