I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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