when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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