just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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