I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
