he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
