I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize