There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Come on in and take your pants off
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