Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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