he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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