aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
