I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
