you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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