you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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