She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Terrible idea I love it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
