She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize