Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
