ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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