She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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