she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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